Ok, I got your attention, didn’t I? No matter which side of this very thorny hedge you come down on, I’m sure the title caused a visceral response in you. It’s why Same Sex Marriage is such a heated topic. It has taken me many years of introspection to arrive at my current views on the matter. In this process, I think I have come up with a unique way of looking at the arguments at the root of same-sex marriage. You may find yourself very surprised at what I have to say, and you may even find yourself faced with your own need for further self-examination on the subject. Before you continue reading, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to risk having your own views challenged. It’s up to you. Red pill, or blue pill?

Now, let’s see what’s down the rabbit hole…..To begin with, I have no agenda. I am not trying to lobby for either camp. That is not my intent. My goal is to lend a different perspective than I have seen so far, and hopefully inspire some sober thought or even self reflection on your own core beliefs surrounding same-sex marriage. Personally, I do not believe there is a good or bad, right or wrong side to this. There are only differing opinions, and it is not my job, or anyone else’s for that matter, to judge others.

Now, as I see it, there are many acts in the same-sex marriage circus. There is an interpersonal ring, a religious ring, and a legal ring. I am going to attempt to be a ring master, and introduce the salient aspects of each arena. Remember, I am not declaring right or wrong. I will be listing what I see as the facts in each instance. Let’s begin with the interpersonal ring. There are two divisions of the interpersonal aspects. First, there are the interpersonal relationships of the people who want to be married as a same-sex couple. These couples are, for the most part, already living together in a stable, loving relationship. They are already living for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. The ones who wish to do this ’til death do us part, want to celebrate that fact and announce it to the world in an official capacity. To me, this sounds exactly like the feelings and desires experienced by people in a dual-sex relationship. Secondly, there are the interpersonal relationships between these couples and the people around them. The two parties in a same-sex couple have friends, relatives, co-workers, classmates, and neighbors. They are members of their communities, they shop at the grocery store, they get their hair cut, they go to the doctor, they eat at restaurants, and the list goes on and on. All day long they interact with the people around them, and unless they happen to mention it in conversation, or are engaging in a public display of affection, such as holding hands, no one they come across in their casual day-to-day lives would even know they were part of a couple, let alone whether or not it is a same-sex or dual-sex couple. It is not as if the status and nature of your relationships are automatically tattooed on your forehead like a scarlet letter. Also, the fact of being in a same-sex relationship and wanting to get married is not a communicable disease. You cannot make people gay, lesbian, or whatever, by being in their vicinity or even by example. It’s akin to the fact that you cannot cause someone else to be a fan of the same sports team as you, unless they are already a fan. If that were true, there would never EVER be riots at sporting events, because everyone would be rooting for the same team. However, if everyone were rooting for the same team, what would be the purpose of holding the event in the first place? Conformity is boring. Diversity is a good thing, in just about every aspect of life. The key in all areas, is to celebrate the diversity around you, not fight about it or condemn it. Our country was founded on the principles of freedom of diversity: freedom of religion, freedom of the press, freedom to choose our own leaders, and freedom to pursue happiness. Diversity is at the core of the United States, and we wouldn’t be America without it.

Let’s move on to the religious ring. There are also two aspects to the religious arena. Let’s start with the people who are part of a same-sex couple. Believe it or not, there are a large number of very religious and spiritual people who are part of same-sex couples. For many of them, that is part of the reason they want to make their relationship official through marriage. In addition, common religious and spiritual beliefs are often a core aspect of the strength of a relationship, regardless of whether it is a same-sex or a dual-sex couple. The other side of the religious aspect revolves around attempting to impose one’s own religious beliefs, and the rules thereof, onto other people. There are many who argue that not only same-sex marriage, but same-sex relationships in general, are wrong. Immoral. A reason for eternal damnation. That is a viewpoint rooted in a spiritual teaching and belief system. There is nothing wrong with believing that same-sex relationships are immoral and/or a mortal sin. So is adultery. The problem arises when people try to impose their own religious beliefs and consequences onto those who are being judged with those same religious beliefs. Let’s use adultery again for an example, since many of the religions that believe same-sex relationships and marriages are a sin, also believe that adultery is a sin. If a person who believes adultery is a sin knows that someone has committed adultery, what do they do? Do they assiduously avoid allowing their children to be in the adulterer’s presence? Do they refuse to sell them groceries or allow them to eat in their restaurants? Do they refuse to bake the cake for the anniversary party being held to celebrate the marriage that the adulterer has cheated on? If so, I’ve never heard of it, but maybe I’m living under a rock. A Christian may believe that those who are not Christians will be going to hell, but I don’t see any of them forcing non-believers to attend church every Sunday. Muslims may perform their prayers five times a day (or whatever is the correct number; please excuse my ignorance on the matter), but I have never heard of one forcing everyone around them to stop what they’re doing and bow down and pray too. Part of religious freedom is that people are not supposed to force those around them to conform to and behave in a manner that fits in with their own religious beliefs. As I understand it, the correct response in such situations is to pray for the person in question. It is not a Christian’s job (sorry to pick on the Christians) to force others to choose Jesus, or to judge others’ actions here on earth. “Judge not, lest ye be judged” is how it goes, I believe. God is the Ultimate Judge, and we are told that we should leave the judgement up to Him, for when we each come before Him at the end of our days on earth.

Lastly, let’s jump on into the legal ring, which is the one we tend to hear about, and the one that the other two rings tend to funnel into eventually. At the center of the legal arena is the question of whether or not same-sex couples should be allowed to have a government sanctioned, legally binding marriage with all of the same rights and restrictions afforded to people in a dual-sex marriage. There are many arguments for why same-sex marriage should not be legal, so I will just start going through them one at a time. Let’s start with the one that claims same-sex couples are not actually being denied anything by not being able to file a legal marriage with the government. The gist of the argument seems to be that same-sex couples are perfectly free to ‘get married’ and hold a wedding ceremony, with all the trappings and trimmings and fights between the in-laws. Except for the fact that at the end of the ceremony, the two families are not actually “in-laws” because there is no legal document signed by the couple and a person with “the power vested in me by the State of “x”.” The ceremony and the cake and the reception are all well and good, but a legal marriage involves the right to be considered “family” when there is a medical emergency, the ability to choose “married filing jointly” when filling out those annoying tax returns, the ability to be considered a “spouse” and included in employee benefits such as medical and dental insurance. There are other rights and restrictions involved in a legal wedding, but these are the big ones. So, no, the party and the presents and the cake and the family and friends do not make it the same if there is no legal document that gets filed with the State at the end of it all. The next argument falls under the guise that same-sex unions should not be legal because it will weaken the institution of marriage. This is clearly the religious ring spilling over into the legal ring, and trying to make the law combat what is seen as a threat to religious beliefs. I hate to break it to some people, but the institution of marriage is doing a fine job of undermining itself all on its own. The statistics on divorce and adultery are staggering. Is it really a cogent argument to say that an influx of people committed to stable, loving, ’til death do us part relationships into the institution of marriage is going to weaken said institution? Personally, I find the argument ludicrous. Another popular argument seems to be that if same-sex marriage is made legal, then the government will be condoning an inherently “wrong” lifestyle, and that it will invariably harm children and “turn everybody gay” by association. This argument combines both the religious and the interpersonal aspects of same-sex marriage by first implying that it is “wrong” (religious) and secondly comparing it to a contagious disease (interpersonal). It is natural to feel threatened by people and viewpoints that are different. It is also natural to want to stop people from doing something that you think is harming them. But as far as I know, it is not ok, in the United States at least, to make it illegal to have a differing viewpoint, or to have making bad personal decisions (as seen by others) turn into a legal matter. Let me give an example that sits squarely in the interpersonal arena. I think most everyone can agree that using addictive drugs is a bad idea. It’s why drugs are illegal. It is illegal to sell drugs, buy drugs, and possess drugs. It is not, however, illegal to be a drug addict. It may seem wrong and even harmful for people to live an addictive “lifestyle”, but it is not illegal. It is also not lawful (to my knowledge) to force someone into treatment unless it is related to illegal activity (buying drugs, or drug possession). Now, if two drug addicts decided to get married, I’m sure that most people would agree that that is not a very good idea, and that it is unlikely to end well. However, it is not illegal for them to do so. In fact, I have never even heard of a proposal to ban addict to addict marriage, as long as it is a dual-sex couple. Some may think this example is absurd, but my point is very clear. Just because a person believes something is ill-advised, or that the way someone else is living their life is not personally agreeable to them, that does not mean that it should be made illegal. I think that’s enough time spent in the legal ring, and it’s time to wrap up this circus. (I refuse to even get started on the “religious freedom” to refuse to bake wedding cakes)

So, now we’ve come full circle, and it is time for me to tell you why same-sex marriage is not a Human Rights issue. (if anyone is even still reading at this point) It is not a Human Rights issue, because it should not even be an “issue” in the first place. Whether you believe (that’s the critical word here) that same-sex marriage is right or wrong (these are opinion words), there is no justifiable legal reason why it should be against the law. It is human nature to want to stop other people from doing something you think is wrong, whether based on religious beliefs or otherwise. But as a community and a union of States, it is not acceptable to use the law as a way to make others conform to certain groups’ beliefs about right and wrong.

That is Why Same-Sex Marriage is NOT a Human Rights Issue.