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Why Same-Sex Marriage Is Not A Human Rights Issue

Ok, I got your attention, didn’t I? No matter which side of this very thorny hedge you come down on, I’m sure the title caused a visceral response in you. It’s why Same Sex Marriage is such a heated topic. It has taken me many years of introspection to arrive at my current views on the matter. In this process, I think I have come up with a unique way of looking at the arguments at the root of same-sex marriage. You may find yourself very surprised at what I have to say, and you may even find yourself faced with your own need for further self-examination on the subject. Before you continue reading, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to risk having your own views challenged. It’s up to you. Red pill, or blue pill?

Now, let’s see what’s down the rabbit hole…..To begin with, I have no agenda. I am not trying to lobby for either camp. That is not my intent. My goal is to lend a different perspective than I have seen so far, and hopefully inspire some sober thought or even self reflection on your own core beliefs surrounding same-sex marriage. Personally, I do not believe there is a good or bad, right or wrong side to this. There are only differing opinions, and it is not my job, or anyone else’s for that matter, to judge others.

Now, as I see it, there are many acts in the same-sex marriage circus. There is an interpersonal ring, a religious ring, and a legal ring. I am going to attempt to be a ring master, and introduce the salient aspects of each arena. Remember, I am not declaring right or wrong. I will be listing what I see as the facts in each instance. Let’s begin with the interpersonal ring. There are two divisions of the interpersonal aspects. First, there are the interpersonal relationships of the people who want to be married as a same-sex couple. These couples are, for the most part, already living together in a stable, loving relationship. They are already living for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. The ones who wish to do this ’til death do us part, want to celebrate that fact and announce it to the world in an official capacity. To me, this sounds exactly like the feelings and desires experienced by people in a dual-sex relationship. Secondly, there are the interpersonal relationships between these couples and the people around them. The two parties in a same-sex couple have friends, relatives, co-workers, classmates, and neighbors. They are members of their communities, they shop at the grocery store, they get their hair cut, they go to the doctor, they eat at restaurants, and the list goes on and on. All day long they interact with the people around them, and unless they happen to mention it in conversation, or are engaging in a public display of affection, such as holding hands, no one they come across in their casual day-to-day lives would even know they were part of a couple, let alone whether or not it is a same-sex or dual-sex couple. It is not as if the status and nature of your relationships are automatically tattooed on your forehead like a scarlet letter. Also, the fact of being in a same-sex relationship and wanting to get married is not a communicable disease. You cannot make people gay, lesbian, or whatever, by being in their vicinity or even by example. It’s akin to the fact that you cannot cause someone else to be a fan of the same sports team as you, unless they are already a fan. If that were true, there would never EVER be riots at sporting events, because everyone would be rooting for the same team. However, if everyone were rooting for the same team, what would be the purpose of holding the event in the first place? Conformity is boring. Diversity is a good thing, in just about every aspect of life. The key in all areas, is to celebrate the diversity around you, not fight about it or condemn it. Our country was founded on the principles of freedom of diversity: freedom of religion, freedom of the press, freedom to choose our own leaders, and freedom to pursue happiness. Diversity is at the core of the United States, and we wouldn’t be America without it.

Let’s move on to the religious ring. There are also two aspects to the religious arena. Let’s start with the people who are part of a same-sex couple. Believe it or not, there are a large number of very religious and spiritual people who are part of same-sex couples. For many of them, that is part of the reason they want to make their relationship official through marriage. In addition, common religious and spiritual beliefs are often a core aspect of the strength of a relationship, regardless of whether it is a same-sex or a dual-sex couple. The other side of the religious aspect revolves around attempting to impose one’s own religious beliefs, and the rules thereof, onto other people. There are many who argue that not only same-sex marriage, but same-sex relationships in general, are wrong. Immoral. A reason for eternal damnation. That is a viewpoint rooted in a spiritual teaching and belief system. There is nothing wrong with believing that same-sex relationships are immoral and/or a mortal sin. So is adultery. The problem arises when people try to impose their own religious beliefs and consequences onto those who are being judged with those same religious beliefs. Let’s use adultery again for an example, since many of the religions that believe same-sex relationships and marriages are a sin, also believe that adultery is a sin. If a person who believes adultery is a sin knows that someone has committed adultery, what do they do? Do they assiduously avoid allowing their children to be in the adulterer’s presence? Do they refuse to sell them groceries or allow them to eat in their restaurants? Do they refuse to bake the cake for the anniversary party being held to celebrate the marriage that the adulterer has cheated on? If so, I’ve never heard of it, but maybe I’m living under a rock. A Christian may believe that those who are not Christians will be going to hell, but I don’t see any of them forcing non-believers to attend church every Sunday. Muslims may perform their prayers five times a day (or whatever is the correct number; please excuse my ignorance on the matter), but I have never heard of one forcing everyone around them to stop what they’re doing and bow down and pray too. Part of religious freedom is that people are not supposed to force those around them to conform to and behave in a manner that fits in with their own religious beliefs. As I understand it, the correct response in such situations is to pray for the person in question. It is not a Christian’s job (sorry to pick on the Christians) to force others to choose Jesus, or to judge others’ actions here on earth. “Judge not, lest ye be judged” is how it goes, I believe. God is the Ultimate Judge, and we are told that we should leave the judgement up to Him, for when we each come before Him at the end of our days on earth.

Lastly, let’s jump on into the legal ring, which is the one we tend to hear about, and the one that the other two rings tend to funnel into eventually. At the center of the legal arena is the question of whether or not same-sex couples should be allowed to have a government sanctioned, legally binding marriage with all of the same rights and restrictions afforded to people in a dual-sex marriage. There are many arguments for why same-sex marriage should not be legal, so I will just start going through them one at a time. Let’s start with the one that claims same-sex couples are not actually being denied anything by not being able to file a legal marriage with the government. The gist of the argument seems to be that same-sex couples are perfectly free to ‘get married’ and hold a wedding ceremony, with all the trappings and trimmings and fights between the in-laws. Except for the fact that at the end of the ceremony, the two families are not actually “in-laws” because there is no legal document signed by the couple and a person with “the power vested in me by the State of “x”.” The ceremony and the cake and the reception are all well and good, but a legal marriage involves the right to be considered “family” when there is a medical emergency, the ability to choose “married filing jointly” when filling out those annoying tax returns, the ability to be considered a “spouse” and included in employee benefits such as medical and dental insurance. There are other rights and restrictions involved in a legal wedding, but these are the big ones. So, no, the party and the presents and the cake and the family and friends do not make it the same if there is no legal document that gets filed with the State at the end of it all. The next argument falls under the guise that same-sex unions should not be legal because it will weaken the institution of marriage. This is clearly the religious ring spilling over into the legal ring, and trying to make the law combat what is seen as a threat to religious beliefs. I hate to break it to some people, but the institution of marriage is doing a fine job of undermining itself all on its own. The statistics on divorce and adultery are staggering. Is it really a cogent argument to say that an influx of people committed to stable, loving, ’til death do us part relationships into the institution of marriage is going to weaken said institution? Personally, I find the argument ludicrous. Another popular argument seems to be that if same-sex marriage is made legal, then the government will be condoning an inherently “wrong” lifestyle, and that it will invariably harm children and “turn everybody gay” by association. This argument combines both the religious and the interpersonal aspects of same-sex marriage by first implying that it is “wrong” (religious) and secondly comparing it to a contagious disease (interpersonal). It is natural to feel threatened by people and viewpoints that are different. It is also natural to want to stop people from doing something that you think is harming them. But as far as I know, it is not ok, in the United States at least, to make it illegal to have a differing viewpoint, or to have making bad personal decisions (as seen by others) turn into a legal matter. Let me give an example that sits squarely in the interpersonal arena. I think most everyone can agree that using addictive drugs is a bad idea. It’s why drugs are illegal. It is illegal to sell drugs, buy drugs, and possess drugs. It is not, however, illegal to be a drug addict. It may seem wrong and even harmful for people to live an addictive “lifestyle”, but it is not illegal. It is also not lawful (to my knowledge) to force someone into treatment unless it is related to illegal activity (buying drugs, or drug possession). Now, if two drug addicts decided to get married, I’m sure that most people would agree that that is not a very good idea, and that it is unlikely to end well. However, it is not illegal for them to do so. In fact, I have never even heard of a proposal to ban addict to addict marriage, as long as it is a dual-sex couple. Some may think this example is absurd, but my point is very clear. Just because a person believes something is ill-advised, or that the way someone else is living their life is not personally agreeable to them, that does not mean that it should be made illegal. I think that’s enough time spent in the legal ring, and it’s time to wrap up this circus. (I refuse to even get started on the “religious freedom” to refuse to bake wedding cakes)

So, now we’ve come full circle, and it is time for me to tell you why same-sex marriage is not a Human Rights issue. (if anyone is even still reading at this point) It is not a Human Rights issue, because it should not even be an “issue” in the first place. Whether you believe (that’s the critical word here) that same-sex marriage is right or wrong (these are opinion words), there is no justifiable legal reason why it should be against the law. It is human nature to want to stop other people from doing something you think is wrong, whether based on religious beliefs or otherwise. But as a community and a union of States, it is not acceptable to use the law as a way to make others conform to certain groups’ beliefs about right and wrong.

That is Why Same-Sex Marriage is NOT a Human Rights Issue.

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Why Silly Dads Are The Best

I grew up with a Silly Dad. In fact, at 72, he is not only still a Silly Dad, he is also a Silly Grandpa, and my kids just LOVE that about him. When my eldest was just learning to distinguish between his grandparents, he would say he had “the Grandpa with the silly ‘smoosestache’,” ( my husband’s Dad) and “the Grandpa that says ‘Holy Kamoly”.” (Obviously, my Dad.)

I’m sure all Silly Dads have their own unique characteristics, but my Dad does it the best. (In my humble opinion.) The qualities that I think top the charts are the combination of never taking anything too seriously, and the constant creation and use of his own personal words and phrases. If anyone dared to ask the question, “Where are we going,” the invariable answer was, “Crazy, man! Crazy!” When we were finally all ready to head out somewhere (to the movies, church, etc.) we were always “off like a heard of turtles going to school.” Cans were always made of “aluminuminuminum”, and anything remotely impressive deserved the exclamation “Holy Kamoly!” One of his favorite things to call us kids while growing up, and now his Grandkids too, is “skeezicks”. If you’ve never heard this word, it is an affectionate term somewhere between stinker and sweetie. The silliness didn’t stop at home, either. Everyone we would meet was a potential friend or someone to joke around with. His standard greeting to people is still, “How’s every little thing? (pause) Going?” He has always been ready with a warm smile for everyone, and a big hug or a gentle cheek pinch for loved ones. Positivity and a sunny disposition seem to go hand-in-hand with all the silliness. Does this mean that we could get away with just about anything while growing up? Heck NO! We always knew exactly what the rules were and where the boundaries were set, and Dad was quick to call us on the carpet for any infractions. However, he was also always quick to let it go as soon as the appropriate discipline was dispensed. There were no hard feelings (on his part, hehe) and no continued reminders that I had messed up.

There are probably about a bajillion (Dad word) more silly words and behavioral examples I could use, but I think I’ve painted enough of a picture to make it clear. So what is it about all this silliness that makes for the best Dads? I think in the end, it comes down to the amazing positive atmosphere that is cultivated around a continuously silly person. It’s really hard to develop a negative attitude when you are constantly bombarded with jokes, laughs, love, and outright absurdity. Don’t get me wrong, if someone tries hard enough, they can be negative, even with a Silly Dad, but who would want to? My Silly Dad set the example to never take myself, or life, too seriously; to never forget that you can find fun and laughter all around you, if you just stop to look; and to treat everyone you meet with a big smile, a kind word, and a positive attitude that will brighten their day, and make for the potential of a future friend. I am not claiming that I come anywhere close to living up to this example, but I am immensely grateful that I was able to grow up surrounded by silliness. I am also thankful that my children are able to get infusions of that silliness whenever there is a Skype call or an in person visit with the Grandparents. Thank you, Dad, for being such a Silly Dad! I realize now, as an adult, what a great gift you gave me every day as I was growing up. That is why Silly Dads are the Best!

I love you, Daddy! Happy Father’s Day! (Mom, I’ll get around to you on Mother’s Day, or maybe on your birthday, so don’t feel left out.)

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God Was In My Gallbladder

I just had emergency gallbladder surgery. Not ’emergency’ as in–you’re going to die right now if this isn’t done, but ’emergency’ in the sense that it was totally unexpected, out of the blue, and had to be done right away because there was no other way to alleviate the problem. It was scary and chaotic and overwhelming. In less than twelve hours, I went from making the decision to go to the Urgent Care Clinic, to waking up in the recovery area at the hospital. When the doctor tells you that the surgeon is waiting and that you cannot take the time to pick up the kids from school before heading to the hospital, THAT’S when the panic sets in. But this stressful, panic-inducing ordeal was not a BAD thing, and I’ll tell you why in a minute. First, let’s back up a bit…

I, like almost everyone else out there, am not a stranger to having BAD things happen in my life. Things that, at the time they are happening, feel like being stuck at the bottom of a deep dark hole, facing an insurmountable obstacle. Here are some important examples from my life.

When I was in college, I had a serious boyfriend. Looking back, I can tell you in all honesty that I was truly in love with him. There was nothing puppy-doggish or immature about it. I still love him to this day, and he is a wonderful friend who ended up marrying my college roommate years later. I hope, if he reads this, that he will forgive me for anything I say here that may cause him pain. That is not what I’m trying to do, but relating MY pain is part of explaining my gallbladder. (Just roll with it. You’ll understand in the end.) But, I digress… I truly loved him, and as far as I was concerned, he was The One. However, after dating for a little over a year, he suddenly broke off the relationship. He said he just didn’t love me anymore; that being with me was too much of a burden for him to live up to. Needless to say, I was devastated. I was more than brokenhearted. Something inside me, inside my psyche, actually broke. There was no doubt in my mind. I was unlovable.

Another example in my life is when I flunked out of college. And I mean flunked. I didn’t quit, I didn’t intend to fail, and if I could have managed to pull my grades up, I would have continued my college education. However, I flunked, with a capital F. I failed, after being put on academic probation, and that’s when they took away all of my financial aid. To truly understand the enormity of this failure, you need to understand that I was a straight A student from the moment I entered Kindergarten to the day I walked out of the High School gym with my diploma. I was even on the Dean’s List for two of the semesters I was in college. So I was left asking myself, “What the hell happened? How can I be getting these grades, when I know for a fact that I can do better?” The only answer I could come up with, was that I failed because I AM a failure. It wasn’t just something that happened to me, it became what I was. It was part of my identity.

My final example comes from much more recent history, but is no less world-shattering in it’s impact. Soon after giving birth to my third, and final, child, who is now three, I suffered a severe manic episode. I was hospitalized for over nine days in the psych ward. I was separated from my barely-two-week-old son and the rest of my family. I was heavily medicated, and therefore unable to breastfeed, even during the times when my family was allowed to visit me. Breastfeeding was my favorite part of being a Mom with my first two younglings, and I could no longer do it for the third. I couldn’t even take care of him or BE his Mom, because I was locked up in the loony-bin. Having battled with depression since I was a teenager, worrying about mania was far from my mind. The only warning sign was many years before, when an anti-depressant triggered a single manic incident, which did not recur, but left me with no treatment options for my depression. Now, in 2011, I was being told that I am bipolar. That I would need to go on medication to manage my mental disorder, and that I would be on meds for the rest of my life. It was official. I was broken, defective, unable to function normally without medical intervention.

When I was in the middle of these BAD things, there was no silver lining in sight. No tunnel with a light at the end, no matter how small or dim. Nothing. There was only the conviction that nothing positive could ever come from any of these situations.

Fast forward to today. As I sit here writing this, I am a 42 year old, highly intelligent woman, with a wonderful husband and three amazing children. I am four days post-op (I wrote this by hand earlier, and have finally gotten my blog up and running) from an emergency gallbladder surgery, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that none of these BAD things were bad. None. They were GOOD things. They were wonderful things! If you’re still reading this, then you are probably asking yourself if I’m off my meds. I assure you, I am not. Then how, you may ask, can I possibly view these events as GOOD things? Here’s how:

Being dumped by The One was necessary, to make me free and open for when the right man came into my life. I was so convinced I’d found The One, that I would have clung desperately to him, probably to the detriment of both of us. He did what he was prompted to do by his inner voice, and we are both, I feel, in healthier and happier relationships than we would have ever had together. GOOD thing.

Flunking out of college was necessary for two reasons. It made me recognize and accept (eventually) that failure is not the end of the world, and that it’s not who you are. It is just an event in your life. Secondly, it forced me to relocate. I was born and raised in Iowa, but I went to college for two years at USC in Los Angeles, California. I loved it there. I loved the people I found there. (I am still close friends with many of them to this day. Especially my college roommate and my college ex-boyfriend.) It was the happiest two years of my life, and I would have held on with all my might, if the decision to stay had been in my hands. Leaving put me where I needed to be to meet my husband, and by extension, blessed me with the three wonderful children that I have today. GOOD thing.

My extended stay in the psych ward, and all of the pain, heartache, and trauma I endured while separated from my family was necessary. It was the catalyst that forced me to recognize the true state of my mental health, and that it needed to be prioritized. It is important for me to be here for my family, and to be the best I can be for them while I’m here. It made me willing to accept the need for continuing medication and monitoring of my mental health. I am currently stable on my meds, and more present and involved in my family’s lives than I have been in a long time. GOOD thing.

Now, back to my gallbladder. (I told you we’d get here eventually.) My gallbladder is more than a GOOD thing. My gallbladder is great. It is awesome. It is life-changing. It is gone. With it’s removal has come an amazing sense of freedom and peace. How can the extraction of a lowly gallbladder transform into such a powerful force for GOOD? In three ways.

First, it’s removal is symbolic. There was a swift, major change, and a cutting away of something harmful, possibly even toxic to me. In another way, it is an actual physical release. The removal of an obstacle that could get in my way at any time and prevent me from living my life in the manner I feel is healthy. Finally, it’s removal is emotional. It forced me to let go of control and rely on the people around me (who weren’t family) to provide support and assistance to my family, with absolutely no notice. Facebook lent super powers to the emotional aspect of my gallbladder. One short post, asking for prayers because I was heading to the hospital for surgery, seemed to open a floodgate of love and support from all directions. There were messages from people I’d never met, some I hadn’t seen in over 20 years, and from near and far. It was an amazing, moving experience to realize that there were so many people who loved me, cared, and were interested in how I was doing and what was happening to me.

My gallbladder was a culmination of all that has come before. It’s removal put together all of the pieces previously laid before me, and brought out in me all the things I have learned along the way. These things have all been cemented together into an amazing, unshakable foundation that I can stand firmly on for the rest of my life, and which will save me from ever falling back into that deep dark pit. GOOD thing.

As a Christian, I can look back upon all of these events, and see the gentle hand of God’s guidance shaping things around me and inside of me. In the past, it has taken me many years before I can step back and gain the perspective to recognize the GOOD things that were inside the BAD. I have been immensely blessed that in only four days my eyes have been opened, and I am able to clearly see the interconnectedness of all of these events. I also know that this is somehow the first step toward an even greater GOOD that I cannot yet even imagine. That is why BAD is GOOD, and that is how I know God was in my gallbladder.

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Coming Soon

I started with a description of my blog, and what can be expected, so that I wouldn’t have a completely blank page before my first blog post. I’m still trying to iron out the technical aspects, but I’m hoping I will be able to keep that as an “about” page, but that’s a task for another day.